Mwahahhahahah!
There's nothing like a little friendly competition between two companies which hold near-monopolies in their respective fields - Satan's own damnable spawn, Telus, and the exciting as dry toast, Shaw. Whereas Telus maintains it's icy grip on Edmonton's local telephone service, Shaw has engulfed nearly all cable TV providers. High Speed Internet, however, is where these two behemoths battle for supremacy.
Tired of dealing with the "customer service" whores at Telus (and hey, maybe I owed them a bit of money) I decided to give ol' Shaw a call and see if they'd throw a deal my way. Boy was I in luck. Not only do I get a free month and a reduced rate for 6 months, but they personally show up at your door to smash your Telus ADSL modem into a thousand pieces! These pieces are then scattered to the four corners of the Earth to quell any lingering demons they may have been imbibed with. Burning the modem, however, is not an option as pure evil cannot be incinerated.
Currently: Enjoying a certain degree of satisfaction
Friday, February 27, 2004
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
X-Country Disembowelment
For the purposes of this post, I'm going to take you back to yesteryear, to a time when life was carefree and happiness greeted you at every turn - yes, back to Reading Week of 4 days ago.
Now, I've got two scenarios for you, and your task is actually quite simple. Just go with your first gut reaction and answer which of the two you think would be more perilous and filled with fright and excruciating pain: 1) Being mauled to indistinction by a rabid, fucking ornery and hungry Grizzly bear, or; 2) Going cross country skiing on a sunny Winter's day? Don't think about it too much. Try not to over-analyze the scenarios. Now, what'd you pick?
The Grizzly bear gorefest?
Yeah, that's probably what my survival instincts would have persuaded me to choose too if not for an unforgettable afternoon of cross country skiing in Calgary's Olympic Park.
When I try to picture cross country skiing at the base of a ski hill I'd see a pleasant cardio workout involving a few mounds to overcome, but more-or-less a flat circuit that's hospitable to children and senior citizens alike. What awaited us at the Olympic Park was the snow-based equivalent of the American Gladiators Eliminator. How inadequate my thin ski's felt, partlialy locked in guide paths, as my body hurled down sheer cliffs, each sporting a break-neck turn at the peak point of acceleration - which would be the point where I breach the speed of sound, nay, light!
Thinking this would be, quite literally, a "walk in the park," and the gorgeous +7C weather, I hit the hill wearing nothing but pants, t-shirt, and toque. Perhaps this wasn't the best planning on my part, but at least the burns and holes ripped in my flesh were able to come into immediate contact with soothing ice and snow, you know, to prevent further swelling and bruising. In all my previous experiences downhill skiing and snowboarding I've never left a hill so battered and bruised...
...you've won the battle, Olympic Park, but I'll return to win the war!
Currently: Burning even more music to add to my massive mp3 collection!
Now, I've got two scenarios for you, and your task is actually quite simple. Just go with your first gut reaction and answer which of the two you think would be more perilous and filled with fright and excruciating pain: 1) Being mauled to indistinction by a rabid, fucking ornery and hungry Grizzly bear, or; 2) Going cross country skiing on a sunny Winter's day? Don't think about it too much. Try not to over-analyze the scenarios. Now, what'd you pick?
The Grizzly bear gorefest?
Yeah, that's probably what my survival instincts would have persuaded me to choose too if not for an unforgettable afternoon of cross country skiing in Calgary's Olympic Park.
When I try to picture cross country skiing at the base of a ski hill I'd see a pleasant cardio workout involving a few mounds to overcome, but more-or-less a flat circuit that's hospitable to children and senior citizens alike. What awaited us at the Olympic Park was the snow-based equivalent of the American Gladiators Eliminator. How inadequate my thin ski's felt, partlialy locked in guide paths, as my body hurled down sheer cliffs, each sporting a break-neck turn at the peak point of acceleration - which would be the point where I breach the speed of sound, nay, light!
Thinking this would be, quite literally, a "walk in the park," and the gorgeous +7C weather, I hit the hill wearing nothing but pants, t-shirt, and toque. Perhaps this wasn't the best planning on my part, but at least the burns and holes ripped in my flesh were able to come into immediate contact with soothing ice and snow, you know, to prevent further swelling and bruising. In all my previous experiences downhill skiing and snowboarding I've never left a hill so battered and bruised...
...you've won the battle, Olympic Park, but I'll return to win the war!
Currently: Burning even more music to add to my massive mp3 collection!
Monday, February 23, 2004
Back to the Future
Much like the fabled Punxsutawney Phil, as glorified not in real life but in the riveting movie Groundhog Day, I poked my head outside in late January, perma-froze my brain and fingers in the punishing -45C weather, and decided it would be several consecutive weeks before I'd Blog again.
My intricately conceived plan to enjoy Reading Week, plus an additional few days, by having my Wisdom Teeth pulled immediately after the break and once school fired up again was utterly defeated by an under-skilled "dentist" in Vegreville. Upon seeing my x-rays he immediately threw up his arms in surrender and simply stated, "This is beyond my capabilities." Beyond his capabilities to extract 4 misguided teeth, eh? And just what late-night infomercial did he call to receive his degree!? Though I wasn't going to enjoy the remainder of my time off school, I did have the pleasant experience of being put under for the actual procedure, back in Edmonton.
I'd never been knocked unconscious before (unless you count the "I'm gonna live to a hundred and..." incident at George's) so I'm sure all my inquiries to the people around me were starting to get annoying. The actual experience was even cooler than anything I could have imagined! As the doctor injected his magical serum into my I.V., I felt a cold, tingling sensation down my arm, and a strange odour in my mouth. Knowing I didn't have much time I started to count down from ten...nine...eight...se....sev..........out! The very instant before you lose consciousness your eyes go all wonky and relax in completely different directions. Very cool.
Then nothing.
You don't dream. You don't experience any sensations. The hour and a half that they worked on my teeth passed by in the blink of an eye, and I opened my eyes in the recovery room. Quite literally, it felt like I had just time-traveled. I look forward to any and all future surgeries I have, just so I can experience general anesthetic again.
Just why my pants were undone I'm not quite sure, but I assume it had something to do with that $100 the Doc knocked off the bill...
Currently listening to: Jack Johnson - Times Like These
My intricately conceived plan to enjoy Reading Week, plus an additional few days, by having my Wisdom Teeth pulled immediately after the break and once school fired up again was utterly defeated by an under-skilled "dentist" in Vegreville. Upon seeing my x-rays he immediately threw up his arms in surrender and simply stated, "This is beyond my capabilities." Beyond his capabilities to extract 4 misguided teeth, eh? And just what late-night infomercial did he call to receive his degree!? Though I wasn't going to enjoy the remainder of my time off school, I did have the pleasant experience of being put under for the actual procedure, back in Edmonton.
I'd never been knocked unconscious before (unless you count the "I'm gonna live to a hundred and..." incident at George's) so I'm sure all my inquiries to the people around me were starting to get annoying. The actual experience was even cooler than anything I could have imagined! As the doctor injected his magical serum into my I.V., I felt a cold, tingling sensation down my arm, and a strange odour in my mouth. Knowing I didn't have much time I started to count down from ten...nine...eight...se....sev..........out! The very instant before you lose consciousness your eyes go all wonky and relax in completely different directions. Very cool.
Then nothing.
You don't dream. You don't experience any sensations. The hour and a half that they worked on my teeth passed by in the blink of an eye, and I opened my eyes in the recovery room. Quite literally, it felt like I had just time-traveled. I look forward to any and all future surgeries I have, just so I can experience general anesthetic again.
Just why my pants were undone I'm not quite sure, but I assume it had something to do with that $100 the Doc knocked off the bill...
Currently listening to: Jack Johnson - Times Like These
HTML Magic
Though nowhere near as exciting and scandalous as this site, I've been redirecting some of my website building skills for Lambda Chi Alpha, and have concocted a rather pleasing site for our little Chapter here at the University of Alberta.
You can check it out here if you so fancy.
Currently listening to: Oasis - The Hindu Times
You can check it out here if you so fancy.
Currently listening to: Oasis - The Hindu Times
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Pure Smut
It's been quite the busy week for me at University, for a change, and I think I'm still at the point where I'm actively enjoying it. Not only have I decided to take a gamble with such foreign concepts as "attending class" and "studying," but the rest of my free time has been consumed with International Week seminars.
In the past two days I've managed to sit in on the following sessions:
01 - The Wall In Palestine
02 - When Victims Become Perpetrators: Children of War in the Process of Peace
03 - Issues and Perspectives of Peacebuilding in West Africa
04 - Human Security: War in the 21st Century
05 - FILM - Musicians in the War Zone: A Look at the Effects of War on Children
06 - The National Missile Defense Plan: Consequences for Canadian Independence
07 - Building Sustainable Peace
08 - Edzimkulu: Rebuilding AIDS Communities in South Africa
09 - Breathing Peace (an actual seminar on rediscovering the secrets of natural breathing)
10 - Feeding off Empty Bellies: Structural Violence and the Global Economy
11 - Ending Conflict on the Roof of the World: Potential Solutions fo the Tibet Problem
12 - The Arar Case: A Public Forum
13 - Perspectives on Peace: Pride, Promises, Problems - Canada's Role in the World
That's 1010 minutes of lecture time, or just shy of 17 hours in a mere 2 days...and I've still got 3 days left!
Going to bed last night, though, would have made today run much more smoothly. I reached the sleep-deprived, nerve-rattled boiling point fairly early in my day, as a man sitting in front of me was eating walnuts very slowly, and very crunchily. At the time it felt like I was seconds away from going insane, but I withheld the urge to murder the poor soul, and slowly counted back from ten (not purposely slowly, but 'cause I was super tired) while he continued on enjoying his precious nuts.
Between seminars I stopped in the bathroom, and I really must have looked like hell to all those people around me. My eyes were bloodshot, a vacant stare glazed-over my eyes, and I was wearing army cargos, an "American Psycho" President Bush t-shirt, a ginormous wool-knit touque, and my German army parka. Either I looked like a very tired Faculty of Arts senior student, or a cracked-out junkie trying catch a nap indoors. The line between the two is often very blurred and indistinct.
What did snap me back to harsh reality, though, were the ungodly temperatures enveloping the City of Champions. On campus the mercury read -42C, and that's before the "where'd my testicles go!?" windchill effect, which made it feel closer to -50C! But really, once things dip below -30C it's so mind-numbingly cold that you begin to question just why our Forefathers thought this particular chunk of dirt would make a great place for a sovereign nation anyways?
Currently listening to: Hell freezing over - it's really that cold, dammit!
In the past two days I've managed to sit in on the following sessions:
01 - The Wall In Palestine
02 - When Victims Become Perpetrators: Children of War in the Process of Peace
03 - Issues and Perspectives of Peacebuilding in West Africa
04 - Human Security: War in the 21st Century
05 - FILM - Musicians in the War Zone: A Look at the Effects of War on Children
06 - The National Missile Defense Plan: Consequences for Canadian Independence
07 - Building Sustainable Peace
08 - Edzimkulu: Rebuilding AIDS Communities in South Africa
09 - Breathing Peace (an actual seminar on rediscovering the secrets of natural breathing)
10 - Feeding off Empty Bellies: Structural Violence and the Global Economy
11 - Ending Conflict on the Roof of the World: Potential Solutions fo the Tibet Problem
12 - The Arar Case: A Public Forum
13 - Perspectives on Peace: Pride, Promises, Problems - Canada's Role in the World
That's 1010 minutes of lecture time, or just shy of 17 hours in a mere 2 days...and I've still got 3 days left!
Going to bed last night, though, would have made today run much more smoothly. I reached the sleep-deprived, nerve-rattled boiling point fairly early in my day, as a man sitting in front of me was eating walnuts very slowly, and very crunchily. At the time it felt like I was seconds away from going insane, but I withheld the urge to murder the poor soul, and slowly counted back from ten (not purposely slowly, but 'cause I was super tired) while he continued on enjoying his precious nuts.
Between seminars I stopped in the bathroom, and I really must have looked like hell to all those people around me. My eyes were bloodshot, a vacant stare glazed-over my eyes, and I was wearing army cargos, an "American Psycho" President Bush t-shirt, a ginormous wool-knit touque, and my German army parka. Either I looked like a very tired Faculty of Arts senior student, or a cracked-out junkie trying catch a nap indoors. The line between the two is often very blurred and indistinct.
What did snap me back to harsh reality, though, were the ungodly temperatures enveloping the City of Champions. On campus the mercury read -42C, and that's before the "where'd my testicles go!?" windchill effect, which made it feel closer to -50C! But really, once things dip below -30C it's so mind-numbingly cold that you begin to question just why our Forefathers thought this particular chunk of dirt would make a great place for a sovereign nation anyways?
Currently listening to: Hell freezing over - it's really that cold, dammit!
Monday, January 26, 2004
Super Nerd Love +4
I might be accused of being the kettle who called the pot black, during this tale, but that doesn't negate my necessity to share it with you.
It was the last day of the Imaginus poster sale on campus, and after carefully narrowing down my poster selections from an initial 8, to an eventual 3, to an actual 2, I was politely informed that only cash or credit was accepted, and I was to take my Interac-carrying ass directly out the door and down to the cash machines. It was standing in line at the Royal Bank Instant Teller that I witnessed one of nature's little miracles - the mysterious enigma known as love.
Directly ahead of me in line were a boy and a girl (or young man and young woman) who resembled real-life interpretations of the characters in the latest Penny Arcade strip. Uber-Nerds to the extreme, with all the social ineptitude and awkwardness that this walk of life entails. It was the first time, I believe, that I've seen such a young lady with a hunched back, and a gentleman with such a dazzling array of pens and highlighters in his front pocket. The way they stumbled shyly through two word sentences, the averted gazes to the floor and Coca-Cola sponsored walls, even the fact that they were totally holding up the line whilst enamored in this cosmic ballet, drew my attention to one simple truth:
It was the most beautiful thing I'd seen all day!
Currently: Crying on the inside 'cause they ran out of "Bathroom Bolshevik" posters
It was the last day of the Imaginus poster sale on campus, and after carefully narrowing down my poster selections from an initial 8, to an eventual 3, to an actual 2, I was politely informed that only cash or credit was accepted, and I was to take my Interac-carrying ass directly out the door and down to the cash machines. It was standing in line at the Royal Bank Instant Teller that I witnessed one of nature's little miracles - the mysterious enigma known as love.
Directly ahead of me in line were a boy and a girl (or young man and young woman) who resembled real-life interpretations of the characters in the latest Penny Arcade strip. Uber-Nerds to the extreme, with all the social ineptitude and awkwardness that this walk of life entails. It was the first time, I believe, that I've seen such a young lady with a hunched back, and a gentleman with such a dazzling array of pens and highlighters in his front pocket. The way they stumbled shyly through two word sentences, the averted gazes to the floor and Coca-Cola sponsored walls, even the fact that they were totally holding up the line whilst enamored in this cosmic ballet, drew my attention to one simple truth:
It was the most beautiful thing I'd seen all day!
Currently: Crying on the inside 'cause they ran out of "Bathroom Bolshevik" posters
Sunday, January 25, 2004
Monkey Year
Happy Chinese New Year! Wha? You say the Chinese New Year was on January 22...not January 24!? Well then, someone forgot to tell the private Chinese New Year party that had taken over The Fox.
To be perfectly clear, I hold no animosity towards the Chinese or their holidays, but the presence of their party at the bar effectively wiped out nearly all the highlights that had convinced me to show up in the first place. While talking to my buddy on the phone, he was very excited to reveal all the goodness that awaited me - no line, no cover, cheap drinks, cheap wings because of the Oilers game, a pub atmosphere...but with a dance floor, and a waitress who was supposed to feed us $1.50 shooters all night! In case you were keeping track of that all, it's quite an unbroken string of positives.
Unfortunately, the reality of the situation was far different: "Wha, ticket? I need a $5 ticket to get in? Oh, coat-check, okay, it's only a few bucks. Hmmm...the kitchen's closed, eh? It's a good thing I ate those Skittles for lunch. So, barkeep, what's the specials? Oh, no specials, but $4.50 for a beer. Sure, I think I'll get one. Hey guys, you have to pay to get in, too? You did? Well, are there at least cheap shooters? I don't think I can afford another beer. $3.00 each...*long, loud scream of anguish*"
I guess the party made all previous Saturday Night specials void. But I did get a cool red envelope at the door, and made out with the first monkey I saw.
An actual monkey, not one of the Chinese people at the bar. Sheesh.
Currently listening to: Coldplay - Sparks
To be perfectly clear, I hold no animosity towards the Chinese or their holidays, but the presence of their party at the bar effectively wiped out nearly all the highlights that had convinced me to show up in the first place. While talking to my buddy on the phone, he was very excited to reveal all the goodness that awaited me - no line, no cover, cheap drinks, cheap wings because of the Oilers game, a pub atmosphere...but with a dance floor, and a waitress who was supposed to feed us $1.50 shooters all night! In case you were keeping track of that all, it's quite an unbroken string of positives.
Unfortunately, the reality of the situation was far different: "Wha, ticket? I need a $5 ticket to get in? Oh, coat-check, okay, it's only a few bucks. Hmmm...the kitchen's closed, eh? It's a good thing I ate those Skittles for lunch. So, barkeep, what's the specials? Oh, no specials, but $4.50 for a beer. Sure, I think I'll get one. Hey guys, you have to pay to get in, too? You did? Well, are there at least cheap shooters? I don't think I can afford another beer. $3.00 each...*long, loud scream of anguish*"
I guess the party made all previous Saturday Night specials void. But I did get a cool red envelope at the door, and made out with the first monkey I saw.
An actual monkey, not one of the Chinese people at the bar. Sheesh.
Currently listening to: Coldplay - Sparks
Friday, January 23, 2004
Old School
It's almost hard to comprehend, but for one of the first times in my illustrious academic career, I'll discover what it's like to have scholastic responsibilities outside of the classroom. Unlike many students in other faculties, like Science, I don't have hours of labs, or group projects, or "homework." A large portion of my classes are simply read the books, attend a few classes, write the midterm, write the final, get decent grade.
In a way, it's rejuvenating to break these boundaries and actually do some active learning. This week at the University of Alberta is International Week, where countless guest speakers, performers, and discussion panels, are at your disposal to learn about this crazy world we live in. And considering I'm about to finish a BA in Sociology - the official study of how this crazy world works - I can't believe I haven't taken advantage of this amazing opportunity to learn ever before! Topics range from "The Right to Health in the Era of Globalization," to "Human Security: War in the 21st Century," to "Edzimkulu: Rebuilding AIDS Communities in South Africa." The opening ceremonies were a melange of free-style rappers, break dancers, and poetry readings, and I was actually enjoying the true nature of my field of study - the one glossed over by bland textbooks and studying the minutiae of sociological statistics.
God bless my Professor, who had the foresight and determination to make attendance at International Week events a requirement for the course, basing several papers and exercises on what you've learned. Though I only need to attend a fraction of the events to effectively do my assignments, this opportunity has inspired me to soak as much up as possible.
So, for the first time ever, I'll enjoy an entire week of school where I have more academic hours logged outside the classroom than in. And quite frankly, I couldn't possibly have a more eager grin on my face.
Currently listening to: Coldplay - High Speed
In a way, it's rejuvenating to break these boundaries and actually do some active learning. This week at the University of Alberta is International Week, where countless guest speakers, performers, and discussion panels, are at your disposal to learn about this crazy world we live in. And considering I'm about to finish a BA in Sociology - the official study of how this crazy world works - I can't believe I haven't taken advantage of this amazing opportunity to learn ever before! Topics range from "The Right to Health in the Era of Globalization," to "Human Security: War in the 21st Century," to "Edzimkulu: Rebuilding AIDS Communities in South Africa." The opening ceremonies were a melange of free-style rappers, break dancers, and poetry readings, and I was actually enjoying the true nature of my field of study - the one glossed over by bland textbooks and studying the minutiae of sociological statistics.
God bless my Professor, who had the foresight and determination to make attendance at International Week events a requirement for the course, basing several papers and exercises on what you've learned. Though I only need to attend a fraction of the events to effectively do my assignments, this opportunity has inspired me to soak as much up as possible.
So, for the first time ever, I'll enjoy an entire week of school where I have more academic hours logged outside the classroom than in. And quite frankly, I couldn't possibly have a more eager grin on my face.
Currently listening to: Coldplay - High Speed
Thursday, January 22, 2004
Save on Enmity
My, how times change. As I lined my groceries up on the conveyor belt, or Movator, or magic grocery transporter, it dawned on me just how drastically my food purchasing decisions have altered since my first year of University. The guy in line behind me managed to lose his card in said belt, so I had a few extra moments to dwell on this thought.
A sample, from my typical grocery list back when I was 18, looked a little something like this:
- Milk
- Pop
- Potato Chips
- Tub of Gummie Bears
- Jumbo bag of Dino Sours
- Pizza Pops
- Mr. Noodle
- Bacon
That's a far cry from what I picked up today:
- Milk
- Lean Hamburger
- Flax Multigrain Bread
- Apples
- Grapes
- Fettuccini
- Alfredo Sauce
- Lettuce
You'll notice I've added this strange and mysterious food group known as Fruits and Vegetables, which, though purportedly healthier for me than a 5kg bag of Dino Sours, doesn't provide nearly the same sugar high and insulin shock.
Currently listening to: Matthew Good - In A World Called Catastrophe
A sample, from my typical grocery list back when I was 18, looked a little something like this:
- Milk
- Pop
- Potato Chips
- Tub of Gummie Bears
- Jumbo bag of Dino Sours
- Pizza Pops
- Mr. Noodle
- Bacon
That's a far cry from what I picked up today:
- Milk
- Lean Hamburger
- Flax Multigrain Bread
- Apples
- Grapes
- Fettuccini
- Alfredo Sauce
- Lettuce
You'll notice I've added this strange and mysterious food group known as Fruits and Vegetables, which, though purportedly healthier for me than a 5kg bag of Dino Sours, doesn't provide nearly the same sugar high and insulin shock.
Currently listening to: Matthew Good - In A World Called Catastrophe
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
Circadian Tango
So, here it is - the hour you're supposed to be waking up and you still haven't gone to bed, haven't even enjoyed a wink of sleep. You've formulated a brilliant scheme to force your body to cooperate and adhere to a reasonable sleeping schedule, but you know it won't be easy. After all, you've still got a whole waking day ahead of you, and if you're to win this war you can't succumb to slumber until your regularly scheduled time. Why are you in this position, you might ask? It's because you've been going to bed later and later...and later...and either getting less sleep or simply waking up later and later...and later.
Ever been in this position? Ever think that staying up a long time to make yourself extra tired would actually help you get back in to the rhythm of things? But we all know what's going to happen, don't we? Sure, you'll tough it out, you'll stay up for that super-long period of time, with the lovely bags under your eyes and the inability to string more than two coherent sentences together - but then it'll happen. You'll get your second wind! Don't deny it, you'll know it'll happen!
And there you'll be, no further ahead at correcting your sleeping habits. But hey, you'll have that zombie-like,whacked out day you just spent overtired. That's gotta count for something!
Currently - Watching a string of movies; class starts in 4 hours
Ever been in this position? Ever think that staying up a long time to make yourself extra tired would actually help you get back in to the rhythm of things? But we all know what's going to happen, don't we? Sure, you'll tough it out, you'll stay up for that super-long period of time, with the lovely bags under your eyes and the inability to string more than two coherent sentences together - but then it'll happen. You'll get your second wind! Don't deny it, you'll know it'll happen!
And there you'll be, no further ahead at correcting your sleeping habits. But hey, you'll have that zombie-like,whacked out day you just spent overtired. That's gotta count for something!
Currently - Watching a string of movies; class starts in 4 hours
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