East Side Mario's < Steaming Rat Feces

Without hesitation, or lack of remorse, I would never recommend East Side Mario's to anyone wishing even an acceptable dining experience - not even my worst enemy.

Nicole and I first attempted to crash the Olive Garden but they estimated a 90 minute wait for a table. Forget that, our hungers needed satiation immediately. We kept heading south and ended up in South Edmonton Common, and to our future mutual dissatisfactions, decided to try a bit of American-Italian eating.

My God.

Though we only had to wait 10 minutes or so, we were escorted to a corner table in what I swear was the kiddy room. As we opened the menu's for the first time, Nicole casually observed how "sticky" hers was and pointed out the abundance of crusties between the laminated pages. The server came to take our orders and promptly tipped a container of whipped butter onto the table which then fell all over the floor.

When she returned with our waters and failed to clean up the mess.

After taking our orders she then swiped the menus off the table, smearing them directly over the whipped butter. I guess that solved the "sticky menu" conundrum.

She then returned with our unlimited salad and garlic bread and dropped a second container of whipped butter, this time directly in front of Nicole.

By the time our main courses arrived, we were still surrounded by gobs of whipped butter. We finally asked her to please clean up the table and she half-heartedly did so, practically pouting. By this point we felt no remorse in mentioning that she also forgot our appetizer.

This description, so far, really sounds like it was simply a bad experience with a terrible server. Sure, that was a pain to deal with, but the real reason East Side Mario's sucks ass is because the food is over-priced and terrible. The unlimited bread was dry and flavourless, and the unlimited "caesar salad" was soggy lettuce drowned in near-flavourless dressing. Not a crouton in sight. Our appetizer, calamari, not only tasted but also had the texture of something entirely artificial. I think I summed it up best when I described them as breaded condom rings.

Rubber gaskets would have also been an apt comparison.

The main courses themselves, though they were touted as the special features, were almost embarrassing to behold. Boil some pasta at home and slop on some Ragu and you've got the same thing for 1/10 the price. Nicole's shrimp, inedible. My "mini pork roast," 2/3 bone. Bah! It was absolutely awful. I feel as if words are failing me in trying to convey what a despicable restaurant the place was.

When we first got seated I made the comment that it appeared to be the "Red Robbins of Italian eateries, but now in retrospect, that comment is an unforgivable comparison to any restaurant.

Currently: Begrudgingly choking down my left-overs.