Transfer of Power

The time has finally come for me to relinquish all formal responsibilities to good ol' Lambda Chi Alpha fraternity, and enjoy the secular lifestyle of an alumnus at large. Though I haven't been an active member for quite some time, I've been more than happy to lend assistance in times of need.

The boys had elections last night, and though I was able to predict many of the victories ahead of time, I was pleasantly surprised to see one of their newest members, Kyle Zwarich, win the race for High Gamma (secretary). Not only have I held this position twice (first and last elected positions), but the kid is also from Vegreville. Here's the congratulatory letter I recently sent him.

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Hey, hey!

What can I say, us boys from Vegreville can't resist a good secretarial position.

Though Kyle is a young pup and I'm confident I don't remember him from either Vegreville or the Comp, not only does he keep the town's streak alive and well in Lambda Chi Alpha (Flounder, Natron, myself, George, those damn Hosseiny's...) but his "totally reeking of awesomeness" is inherent.

My initial advice to you, Kyle, is thus:

1. YOU ARE THE MOST POWERFUL officer in the High Zeta, and the Dick Cheney to Adam's George W. I believe the word "omnipotent" is suitable. You're really the one pulling the strings, so don't be afraid to flex that muscle behind the scenes. Also, all coupons and free handouts which arrive in the mail for Lambda Chi are now yours.

2. Though he may insist it's buried somewhere in the Chapter by-laws (which are lost and hopelessly out of date - you should get on fixing that), you are not required to service Dictator Adam orally, as per the adult classic "Cum-Chugging Pantyhose Secretary Sluts 4." The reverse is true, however, if he wishes to get the roster sent in before HQ fines us.

3. Deadlines! Deadlines! Deadlines! When you inevitably fail to submit forms into HQ in time, the blame is to be placed squarely on Canada Post, and the unexplainable mailing delays we're plagued with. When this is not enough, I've found it helpful to also blame all previous High Gammas. Merely mentioning Welke or Tim to HQ will buy you both time and sympathy.

4. Kelly Stockwell must never get his Letters repaired and returned to him. Reasons for ensuring so are chronicled in detail within our secret tome, the Magna Gammatis.

5. The transition of power from outgoing High Gamma to the new High Gamma must be initiated over a Team Pitcher at Boston Pizza, and transfer of power is ONLY complete at the successful killing of said pitcher.

In ZAX!
Kristopher "The Best Gamma Ever, in Perpetuity" Skinner

PS: Actually, Stockwell's Letters should be retuned to him post-haste. I hear those Alpha Chi Lambdas are nothing but drunkards and fornicators. God forbid people get that confused with us Lambda Chi Alphas.
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That sounds like some fine advice to me! If only I'd had such a steady hand to guide me when I first started out.

Currently listening to: Sloan - She Says What She Means